Because independence

independence
noun in·de·pen·dence \ˌin-də-ˈpen-dəns\
: the quality or state of not being under the control of, reliant on, or connected with someone or something else


 

I can’t drive right now. Well, can’t isn’t the right word. I’m not allowed to drive right now for medical reasons, blah blah blah.

I really don’t mind being at home. I’m blissfully ordering some of the things I ‘need’ online, and delegating purchases of the perishables to others. I’m quite good at being a homemaker. I get to do all those little things that go down the drain when working outside the home. Vacuuming. Dusting. Laundry. Scrubbing. Cooking. Shoot, I’m even doing windows AND screens. All things considered, I’m pretty busy!

BUT

I can’t go anywhere without a ride. I don’t live in an area where public transportation is easily accessible. I have to keep asking people to drive me places. I can’t just get in the car and run my errands. It’s reallllllly hard to rely on others. My previous routines are shot. I have to schedule appointments based on when someone is available to take me. I’m stressing about getting places, because if my ride is running late, I’m running late. I hate being late.

I’ve been told I’m independent to a fault. That I tend to take on more than any one person should. That even when I’m at the breaking point, I would rather keep pushing than ask for help. I suppose that’s true to a degree. I take pride in my accomplishments. I don’t like to inconvenience people. I’m hyper-aware of the workloads of others, and I don’t like to add to them.

BUT

Good God. I can’t bake, because I ran out of sugar. I can’t repot my plants, because I ran out of dirt. I can’t re-screen the windows, because I ran out of screen. Could I be doing other things? Yes. I don’t want to. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I’m an adult. If one more person tells me this is a ‘teachable moment’, my head is going to explode.

I miss being in control.

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